WHERES THE RUM!

Lets just say I'm feeling very stressed out today. Pleasant thoughts of being stranded on a deserted island with an underground cache of Rum are running through my head. That's not a good thing.

I suffer from Panic Attack Anxiety Disorder. I take meds every day to keep it under control, but when life gets hectic--even good hectic--the meds aren't quite enough. Then the anxiety sets in, my throat tightens up, and I start vomiting against my will, not to mention the sleeplessness, shaking, loss of appetite, irritability, etc, etc. The meds do prevent Panic Attacks when things get like this. For that I'm grateful because for me, Panic Attacks are very debilitating.

Why do I have this? I had an abusive childhood. Spending my formative childhood years living in fear of my mother, basically. The result is a total screw up of my brain chemistry.

When a human comes upon stress, like danger-you're in the woods and you've just seen a very large bear, the brain sends out chemicals that create the 'fight or flight' response. You either stand and defend yourself, or you run for your life. The chemicals released cause your body to generate extra energy to fight, or flee if you're me.

If the danger is a false alarm-that thing you thought was a bear turns out to be your best friends overly friendly Great Dane who is happy to see you-then the brain releases chemicals to counter the fight or flight ones.

Most humans today don't run into bears, or Great Danes for that matter. Our stress is the deadline at the office, snarled traffic, getting home with a brand new dvd only to find out it won't work and you have to TAKE IT BACK TO THE STORE AND EXCHANGE IT! Oh, sorry, got carried away there. Or, in my case, you've got 2 daughters away at college who have different needs to be addressed all on the same weekend, and you're only one Mom with 24 measly little hour days.

My brain doesn't release the counter chems. So, when things get a little stressful, the brain is releasing lots of fight or flight but nothing to counteract it. It builds and builds and I end up with the worst Panic Attacks you could ever imagine. They are actually excruciatingly painful. It's very frustrating because intellectually I KNOW there's nothing to be stressed out about. Graduation weekend will work out just fine. The needs of both daughters will be taken care of, everyone will be happy, and life will be fine. Try telling my brain that!

The meds provide the chemicals my brain no longer makes. I love my meds for that reason. I can have a normal life with my meds. Now, if they could just clone me so I could be in two places at one time.

I should talk a bit about Piggy. I went to the Knitwits meeting yesterday and turned her in. It was a little embarrassing the fuss that was made over her. But I have to admit it felt good too. Piggy is a star! They want to enter her in the fair. I didn't think I'd done all that good a job knitting her. My stitches were a bit uneven (despite the 39 years of practice) and I didn't center the tail quite right. They felt otherwise, and since the prize money for won ribbons will go to Knitwits for the purchase of yarn, I said go ahead.

I have a feeling that Borders will have a sudden run of people wanting to order Debbie Bliss's "Toy Knits" book.

I also have a feeling they all think I'm a nut because I'm now knitting a Nautiloid for them.

Have a great day.