"Properly practiced, knitting soothes the troubled spirit, and it doesn't hurt the untroubled spirit either." ~ Elizabeth Zimmerman


Still Fighting the Battle

I have not given up. I had 2 really bad days in a row, but I carried on with the battle.

I think I've mentioned some time ago in this blog that I have Panic Attack Anxiety Disorder. Usually, it's kept under control with medication. However, with all the stress my body has been under the last few weeks, the panic attacks have returned. This is a disease I would not wish on my worst enemy. My brain starts releasing all of those chemicals that cause the flight or fight response-in other words, panic.

Ordinarily, when a human is under our common every day stress, the brain will release these chemicals, and then we think "oh, there's nothing to worry about." Immediately, the brain then releases chemicals which counter act the panic chemicals. They're called Re-uptake inhibitors (or something like that). Unfortunately, my brain doesn't make those chemicals. There isn't anything I'm afraid of. The brains chemical manufacturer is just malfunctioning because it's been under too much stress. So, I have all the physical symptoms of sheer terror, even though intellectually I know there is absolutely nothing to be afraid of. It's a painful thing for me to go through.

Usually when this happens I call my doctor, he prescribes heavy duty tranquilizers to stop the release of the panic chemicals. I'm a doped blob until my meds (that supply the re-uptake inhibitors my body isn't making) kick back in, and life goes on. This time, though, I do not want the tranquilizers. They knock me down so hard. I'm so lathargic, and dopy when I'm on them, and I usually have to take them long enough that I end up addicted and have to wean off of them. My body has enough medication coursing through it right now. So I am dealing with it in a different way. Oddly enough, it's working. I'm actually feeling better today.

Despite yesterday being really hard for me, I made myself drive me to my appointment for yet another blood test (we're down to having them once a week now). Yes, my first time driving since the surgery. Then I ran a couple errands. I went to the drug store for a prescription refill, and the bank to deposit a couple checks. It was a warm sunny day (compared to what we've been having) and it felt good to be out and about.

After I got home I took a little rest, cos I was exhausted, then I set about cleaning my kitchen. I stood at the sink for a good 20 minutes washing dishes and my leg did not bother me. Now, THAT is great! I also did a couple small loads of laundry, and straightened things up around here because we were having company. My brother-in-law and his wife came over after work, bringing dinner with them. They brought chinese style food from Panda Express. We had a great time visiting with each other, and my appetite came back enough that I was able to eat some of the delicious food too. All in all, the day ended far better than it started.

Since my last post I have been stitching away on Dogwood & Hummingbird. I've got this much done on the last bird now.

I started the wings yesterday afternoon, after I was done with my housework. It's all I have left to do on this little birdy. Then, I start stitching the background color. Stitching really is helping me with the panic attacks, anxiety, and negative thoughts that have been plaguing me. I have to concentrate on counting and what color goes where. There is no room for bad thoughts. I'm so glad I know how to do counted cross stitch. It's my therapy of choice right now.

Have a good weekend.


  1. Good for you! I don't suffer with your same problem so I can't and won't say I understand, but I do know the feeling of unreasoning fear and I know how hard it is to keep it at bay. Congratulations at finding some thing to help you in your fight!

    I never answered your question about why I read your blog (I've been sick with a nasty flu and bronchial mess)...
    I read because I like all the different things that you do, the various crafts and assorted skills that excite you. I enjoy watching and seeing and hearing about your progress and your learning experiences.
    I am interested... because you are interesting.

  2. I feel for you.
    I just went through a bout of panic attacks, lasted a good three weeks. I don't have a panic disorder, had never actually had these kinds of attacks, and started to think I was going crazy. Seems it was an accumulation of all the stress I'd been going through, so, same trigger.

    I do not wish this on anybody. It was a horrible, debilitating roller coaster ride of emotions, and extreme weight loss. :(
    Sure sounds like you're taking yourself in hand, and facing the beast head on. Good on you!